First, my niece discovered a 13-year-old boy at their house, with her daughter, when no one else was home. She and her husband kicked him out, grounded their daughter and took away all of her electronics for a week or two. As far as they know (and that's always debatable), the daughter hasn't been with the boy since that episode.
Next, a boy in her seventh-grade class was sending what my niece described as inappropriate texts to her daughter. The police got involved with that one and his numbers were blocked at a cost to my niece's phone bill. More grounding, more withholding electronics.
The latest episode -- all have occurred since the beginning of this school year -- involves a 15-year-old boy sniffing around, telling her to meet him at his house, which she did. They were found out only because my niece's husband went to pick up the girl at school and she hadn't made it back in time. Now she is grounded and without her electronics for two months. A call to the police officer who helped with the last case provided information about the teenage boy, all negative and he's well-known to law enforcement for using drugs.
Grounding or electronics deprivation, neither is going to work on this girl. I believe she can wait it out, no matter how long the punishment. She's very patient. My niece has also been patient, but she's losing this war. She was desperate enough to ask me for advice. I suggested that she consider doing two things immediately:
1) Talk with the school counselor to get a referral to someone who can work with the daughter on a regular basis, to help her see that she's making bad choices and that she must change her way of thinking to protect herself. Yes, I know, her hormones are raging, she wants to be popular, etc., etc. Yes, I know, her parents should be the people counseling her. But what would you do? Things are going from bad to worse. The father has always wanted to be a friend to his children instead of assuming a parental role that calls for really hard work in keeping children in line. To keep doing the same thing and hoping for a better result the next time is pure folly and possibly dangerous.
2) Threaten the daughter with taking on the boys. Tell her that you've tried what you can to get her to see how this is destructive behavior for herself and all she has done is to be manipulative and wait for the punishment to end so she can continue making her bad decisions. Tell her what my grandfather told me. He said if I decided to be with a boy who was a cur, who tried to mess with me, he wouldn't do anything to me. But he would take care of the boy, even to the point of killing him. I was so scared after hearing that, knowing full well that Grandpa would do exactly what he said, that I was very, very careful about who I chose to be around, let alone date. I tried to think about what was best for me -- and others -- as I made my decisions. Of course, there were the frogs, but none treated me badly or gave my grandfather a reason to carry out his threat.
Unfortunately, these days most fathers and grandfathers have fallen into the trap of thinking that they can talk with their children and eventually they'll come around to knowing what's best for themselves. There are those children, of course. However, my thinking is that most of them, like children have done forever, learn to lie to get their way, learn to maneuver their parents in all directions, and, perhaps worst of all, think they're invincible. Parents must be forever vigilant and do what's best for their children, always being aware that the children rarely know what's in their own best interest.
Any ideas? No corporal punishment suggestions for the girl, please. My opinion is that it's not a safe disciplinary method and ultimately it can cause more harm than you might think.
4 comments:
What can parents do to deal with the sexual activity in young teens & pre-teens?
Absolutely nothing. Parents should educate their children on the emotional and physical aspects of sexual activity.
That way - when they're in a situation to make a decision, it'll be informed. It's not so much about the "right age", as much as the importance of a healthy relationship with another.
If the parents struggle with discipline & communication, it would be wise to ask their child to speak with a therapist.
The child will be more comfortable talking to a "non-parent", and at the same time, the therapist can discuss the social anxieties that go along with sexual behavior during the young-teen years. Hopefully, after a couple of sessions...the child won't feel the need to prove themselves sexually.
Should the police be involved at all?
No.
Should the school administrators be involved?
Counselor.
Is it strictly a problem for the family to deal with?
Therapist & family.
Its important that your niece remember that adolescents are bombarded with issues of sex and sexuality every day. It's in the movies and tv shows they watch, the music they listen to, the magazines they buy (or just see in the line at the grocery store), and so on. All of these things are influening her daughters behavior. She is being desensitized to the seriousness of such an important step. Once adolescents get it in their heads that they are ready, they will take any opportunity they can. It's no wonder that middle school aged kids are having sex on school grounds during school hours.
It sounds like your niece is being very proactive in trying to meet the problem head on. While she is on the right track, you are right, it doesn't seem like grounding her and taking things away from her is working. There isn't much left in the way of punishment. Her daughter seems to be pretty set on doing what she wants to do when she wants to do it.
Parenting solutions that work are hard to come by. Different things work for different kids. I think having her talk to an adult that she respects on a regular basis is a good idea. Perhaps take away her phone, etc. indefinitely and implement some sort of system where she doesn't just get her stuff back after a certain period of time but instead has to earn it back. Also, it's important that she is armed with as much education about sex as possible, including not only about sex itself, but also the emotional and social repercussions of engaging in sexual activity so young. Your niece might want to consider getting her daughter involved in after school activities that would not only limit her free time to get into trouble but that might also promote greater self esteem and self value.
Another thing your niece might want to take into consideration is what influence her daughter's female friends are having on her behavior. She shouldn't make the mistake of assuming that boys are the only problem. If her daughter is dealing with these sorts of issues, chances are many (if not all) of her female friends are as well. At this age, it is a fact that her friends feelings/opinions about sex are going to be much more important to her than her parents feelings/opnions about sex. They confide in each other, learn from each other, and seek approval from each other. You'd be surprised at just how graphic the conversation can be. It's important that your niece do whatever she can to pay close attention and make sure that her daughter's female friends aren't encouraging or participating in this kind of behavior. If they are, she should also limit the kind of time her daughter spends with them as well.
Is there any way that her daughter could be brought to talk to someone who has suffered the consequences of early sexual activity? Such as someone who has had a teen pregnancy or caught a sexually transmitted disease in their teens. I think seeing the outcome of some of the choices could make a big difference.
Your anonymous commenter has some very valid points.
One thing your niece and her husband need to remember is that this is a 12 year old CHILD. I don't care how "grown" she appears or thinks she is, they still have full control over her at this age. They need to take advantage of this control and tighten the hell up. I did an internship on a child and adolescent inpatient psych ward and I'm here to tel you that within a few years, this child will be beyond their control. We were not put on this earth to be our kid's friends. They have friends; we are here to teach them what's right and what's wrong; as well as the idea that there are rules, and consequences for breaking them.
Cassandra, your advice is strong and well thought out- whether or not your niece and her husband will listen is another story.
Of course I know that 12 year old can be sexually active, but there might be more here than meets they eye. Get her to a counselor while she can still be forced to do so.
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