Being A Good Widow

I can't seem to do it right. This widowhood stuff. 

No one teaches us these things. No one tells us we have only so long to get over life-changing grief. No one says we'll be judged and chastised if we don't get over our grief quickly, certainly within society's imposed timeframe.  We've got a set length of time and that's it. 

Losing one's husband isn't bad enough on its own, with the loneliness, the decisions to make all on your own, the never-before-tried ways to fill the long days. In addition to those life changers, there seems to be an unwritten rule that a widow has a very short window of opportunity to be miserable, to grieve. Then it's time to stand straight, smile and shut the fuck up. To do anything else looks like whining -- they say. 

Well, I say this. Kiss my widow's fat ass. 

I've read that the death of a spouse is the #1 worst thing to happen to a person in their lifetime. Divorce is #2. I went through that one too, but it can be a post for another time. What I want to say here is how people ask how I am and I'd better say fine and then talk about them or they'll respond with something about their friend who lost her husband 40 years ago and she's doing great or an aunt who took off traveling soon after the uncle died and she never looked back. Good for them. But I don't care.

Soon after my husband died, in an effort to handle what had happened, I found this site:

http://silverreflection.tripod.com/reflections/id10.html

Things Not To Say To A Widow is great, but guess who's reading it. The widows. Those who are talking to the widows, and saying everything they shouldn't, aren't reading the site. And why should they? After all, they know women who haven't had a tough time recovering and that's enough for them to think that all widows should be like those women. 

I missed my chances to say something similar many years ago, when female friends were complaining about bloating and puking when they were pregnant. I should have said I never had a moment of nausea during my pregnancy and the women I've known did just great -- and they should too. I wonder how they would have liked that.

These days, I never talk about how I'm feeling. I say I'm fine when asked how I am, and nothing more. I might not be a "good" widow, but I'm an educated one. No one wants to hear me say one single sentence about what it's like for me. It might make them uncomfortable. They might have to think about someone other than themselves. 

Perhaps I should be more accepting because no one talks about death at all. It's still in the shadows, lurking there like some giant blob, ready to slither under the door at some inopportune time. If we don't talk about it, it will go away. But death hits all of us at some time. We can't get away from it. How we react to it is an individual decision and best left up to the person grieving. Hell, I'm still grieving over pets that died when I was young. If you don't think that's healthy, I don't care. 

So, there you have it, my thoughts on being a widow and how I'm not a very good one because I don't follow the "rules". I'll try to smile more, laugh more, become more engaged in listening to what others are doing. Now, you know I won't do that. Even before my husband passed away, I was to the point of not much caring what others thought of me. Today, I'm all the way there. 

I never wanted to be a widow and I doubt I'll ever be a good one.