Fresh Ideas for Sacramento Bee Corner

Latest plan by McClatchy Co. to make money -- publishing newspapers doesn't seem to work these days -- is to sell the employee parking garage at the Sacramento Bee. According to publisher Cheryl Dell, the sale is "part of our ongoing review of all company assets in response to the challenging economy."

I have three ideas about how McClatchy can help its bottom line at 21st and Q Streets in Sacramento:

1. Restore the Buffalo Brewery. Actually, not a new idea. Conservatives long have wished for this in response to the Bee's so-called liberal editorials. The beermaker occupied the site and some of the existing Bee building for years prior to McClatchy buying it and bringing in the presses. People may not be buying newspapers, but they're still buying beer.

2. Start a brothel. The guards could remain to direct customers. Second-floor executive offices and the newsroom could house the top earners -- just like before. Editor Melanie Sill describes herself as "an advocate of fresh thinking on fundamental ideas" -- natch.

Sills also said, "We do need thinking in our newsrooms and organizations that is inherently entrepreneurial -- i.e., who's our audience, what are we doing for them, how do we provide value." Who would be the audience for the brothel? Politicians (Sacramento is a government town, after all), talk-show hosts, former newspaper editors, transients. What would they be doing for their audience? Obvious. The value? Average at best.

With this entrepreneurial effort, at least Bee employees will leave their careers and the building knowing where former top management will be spending the rest of their working days.

3. Tear down the building and put up a parking lot. Like the brothel, rates would be by the hour.

If you've got better ideas, send them to 21st and Q, Sacramento, California.

Ten Things I Won't Do In My Lifetime

1. Climb to the top of Mt. Whitney
2. Eat blowfish (torafugu)
3. Skydive
4. Read Ulysses by Joyce
5. Swim the English Channel
6. Study ancient Greek
7. Drive through the Khyber Pass
8. Travel to Beijing
9. Bungee-jump
10. Sing at the Met

Rollin' On The River

A shot of the jetty in Moss Landing, California, near Monterey. Clifton took this on one of our many vacations in that area.

Cats and Their Dizzy Disease

Just like every day for the past eight years, our sweet little cat, Charlene, was eating and sleeping well, playing with her toys, looking at her birds out all the windows in our home, enjoying life. Then, in a matter of a minute or so one night last week, she couldn't stand, her head tilted, her eyes couldn't focus, she vomited, she cried out, and she became limp. We had seen all the same symptoms in other cats we had, but at the end of their lives after long illnesses.

We called our vet's office in a panic. It was 10 p.m. and we expected to get an answering machine. Amazingly, a real person answered, said she would call a vet, and 5 minutes later one called. She said to bring her in, to the 24-hour, 7-day-a-week veterinarian clinic in our town. After a battery of blood tests, x-rays and medical exams, plus the knowledge that she was an indoor-only cat with no access to toxins, the emergency and critical care veterinarian diagnosed Feline Vestibular Syndrome or Idiopathic Vestibular Disease.

She described it as the peripheral vestibular system, which is a part of the control center for a cat's balance and located deep within the inner ear, getting out of kilter, all of a sudden and for no apparent reason. It causes a cat to become disoriented, nauseated and trying hard to find the horizon with its eyes that are going back and forth. Dizzy Kitty is a common term for the disease.

Charlene stayed in the clinic for two nights, a drip IV inserted in one of her front legs to administer fluids and Meclizine, a Dramamine-like drug, which countered the seasick feeling she was experiencing. We were told her other symptoms would mostly go away in 2 to 3 days without other treatment.

She remains a bit wobbly, but she's eating and drinking almost like normal. She's still on Meclizine, 1/4 tablet each night for awhile. Her typical escapades of running through the house and playing furiously with her toys will have to wait until she feels better. Complete recovery takes 2 to 3 weeks and the disease typically doesn't return. Anesthesia has been known to trigger another flare-up, but it's not common.

The internal medicine veterinary specialist said he could not say 100% certain that she has the disease instead of something far worse. However, because she has responded to food, walks almost as good as before, focuses her eyes, and holds her head up straight, he has pretty much ruled out a brain tumor, which could display the same symptoms.

I wanted to post about what happened with our little Charlene so other cat people could become aware of this crazy disease. If your cat exhibits similar symptoms, maybe you won't be as scared as we were. Still, only your vet can tell you what is really wrong and immediate treatment is advised.

For more information: http://www.cathealth.com/vestibular.htm

Jane Austen and Zombies

Clive, were you involved any way in mixing zombies with my beloved Jane Austen for the book, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? I just heard about this book, but it's been on the Amazon best-seller list for awhile. Seth Grahame-Smith gets credit as the author, however I see your zombie-loving fingerprints all over it.

My favorite book of all time, Pride and Prejudice, has been plagiarized, then expanded by many writers over the years to include kids the Darcys had in later years, relatives they acquired, and livings bestowed upon subsequent generations. And now we have zombies roaming the idyllic English countryside with Elizabeth Bennet slaying them with as much moxie as she used to get her Mr. Darcy. While it might seem kind of exciting for some readers to enjoy the action as zombies maneuver English life and customs, I recoil at the horror of anyone messing with my delightful characters.

Supposedly, the book is about 85 percent Pride and Prejudice with 15 percent reworked to bring in the zombies. An example of the prose:

"He lumbered toward Elizabeth at an impressive pace, and when he was but an arm's length from her, she plunged the dagger into his chest and pulled it skyward."

Not my Elizabeth! She would be picking flowers, tying ribbons to broad-brimmed hats or trying to defend her outspoken family against idle chatter in the village. Not a zombie hunter is she. Rather, she would turn to Mr. Darcy, her knight on a white horse, to take care of the drooling, limb-shedding zombies. I have no doubt he would make quick work of them and off he would go to scoop up Elizabeth in his arms. If anyone is going to pair zombies with my Pride and Prejudice, at least get the story right.

Easy Cooking: Cassandra's Sesame Noodles

Clive, I know you don't like cold pasta salad, which might best describe this dish. If you must, you can serve it hot immediately after making. I find, however, that refrigerating the noodles overnight intensifies the flavors. Take noodles out of refrigerator an hour before serving.

1/4 cup light soy sauce

1/4 cup rice vinegar

6 tablespoons cold water

1 tablespoon sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons peeled and minced fresh ginger

1 teaspoon minced garlic

6 tablespoons smooth peanut butter

3 tablespoons sesame oil

1 teaspoon hot chili oil

1 box (12 to 16 ounces) linguine, cooked al dente and hot

3 scallions, thinly sliced (green part too)

Chopped fresh cilantro

Toasted sesame seeds

Put the soy sauce, vinegar, water, sugar, salt, ginger and garlic in a blender container. Process on high a minute. Add peanut butter and process a minute longer. With blender running on low speed, drizzle oils in through hole in lid until all is well mixed.

Place drained noodles in a large bowl and toss with the sauce. Refrigerate noodles overnight. An hour before ready to serve, remove noodles from refrigerator and let sit at room temperature. To serve, garnish with scallion, cilantro and sesame seeds. Serves 6 to 8.

Note: If you don't have chili oil, use a tablespoon of olive oil with a few sprinkles of dried chiles, the kind you use on pizza. And if you have only regular soy sauce, omit salt in recipe.

Dom DeLuise, One Of My Favorite Foodies

He was one of the big ones, in size, personality and talent. He was also a terrific cook and a really nice man. Sometime in the '80s, I interviewed Mr. DeLuise (calling him Dom seemed so godfatherish) at the Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco's Nob Hill. He was there to give a cooking demonstration as part of a promotional tour for one of his books. As he whipped up a pasta dish, he joked and laughed, bringing a few of the press up on stage with him. I smiled today as I read his obituary and recalled how much he enjoyed living, making sure others were included in it with him. Bon appetit, Mr. DeLuise.

Through the many years I wrote about food, I saw the good and the bad. I'll leave the ugly for someone else to write about. In general, food celebrities engaged us and we enjoyed our assignments. A few of my favorite cooks, chefs and food personalities included Paul Prudhomme (a real sweetie), Pierre Franey, Jacques Pepin (loved his French stories), Margaret Fox, James Beard, Biba Caggiano (loved her Italian stories), Orville Redenbacher, Martin Yan (loved his Chinese stories), Euell Gibbons (nutty and nice), and Lee Bailey. As for some of the others, well, let's just say there are stories to tell. Today, I'm writing about my experiences with Julia Child and Martha Stewart.

Julia wanted to give as little time as possible to an interview. Her handlers warned us about subjects we couldn't mention, her husband being one in later years. I interviewed her several times in San Francisco, at places like Macy's cookware department and hotel ballrooms. But the last time I saw her was in Sacramento at the local PBS station. She was there to hawk a new book. Hunched over, but still almost 6-feet tall when she stepped out of the limousine, she brushed past us to go before the cameras. The press interviews after the show were held in a small meeting room, with about 10 minutes allowed for each of us. You could tell she didn't want to be there. When I left after my 10 minutes, I felt exhausted because getting answers to my questions had been incredibly tough.

An interesting tidbit about Julia: One fall I had been sent to cover a conference in the Missouri Ozarks. A few of us food writers got together after one of the sessions and talk turned to Julia. One food writer (name intentionally omitted) said she and a few others had been invited to Julia and Paul Child's home for tea a year earlier. They were served tea -- and Goldfish; yes, the yellow snack crackers. The great Julia Child had opened a bag for her guests.

Martha Stewart started out OK, but through the years became more reserved and less willing to suffer newspaper food writers. The first time we talked was when her book, Entertaining, was published. She talked about her home in Westport, CT, her catering business, and her table settings. Her manner was warm and I couldn't wait to make some of her recipes. She was new on the food scene, but so refreshing.

The next time I saw her was at the Stanford Court Hotel, also on San Francisco's Nob Hill. She met me after having breakfast with NY Times food writer, Craig Claiborne. Martha swept up to my table in a full-length dark mink coat, arm in arm with Craig. It was all business, get to it, move on. So I did. A couple of years later, I was assigned to get a story about Martha's latest food activities. This time she was demonstrating her culinary skills at a cooking demonstration at Robert Mondavi Winery in the Napa Valley. Can't remember what she made. After she finished, we food writers were to dine with her and Margrit Mondavi, Robert's wife. While the tables were being set up, I saw Martha sitting by herself under a big tree alongside the reception building where we were to lunch. No other food writers were nearby. Unlike many other foodies, Martha didn't draw people to her for small talk. But I saw an opportunity to have the famous Martha Stewart all to myself, without an appointment. She answered all of my questions, briefly, but any warmth had long left and Martha was, I think, saying what she thought I wanted to hear. Still, I believe she is one of the most talented cooks of all time.