Where the Boys Are

My niece has come up against a formidable foe -- her 12-year-old daughter. She, the daughter, pushes and pushes, all to be with one boy after another. Today's 12 is the '50s 15.

First, my niece discovered a 13-year-old boy at their house, with her daughter, when no one else was home. She and her husband kicked him out, grounded their daughter and took away all of her electronics for a week or two. As far as they know (and that's always debatable), the daughter hasn't been with the boy since that episode.

Next, a boy in her seventh-grade class was sending what my niece described as inappropriate texts to her daughter. The police got involved with that one and his numbers were blocked at a cost to my niece's phone bill. More grounding, more withholding electronics.

The latest episode -- all have occurred since the beginning of this school year -- involves a 15-year-old boy sniffing around, telling her to meet him at his house, which she did. They were found out only because my niece's husband went to pick up the girl at school and she hadn't made it back in time. Now she is grounded and without her electronics for two months. A call to the police officer who helped with the last case provided information about the teenage boy, all negative and he's well-known to law enforcement for using drugs.

Grounding or electronics deprivation, neither is going to work on this girl. I believe she can wait it out, no matter how long the punishment. She's very patient. My niece has also been patient, but she's losing this war. She was desperate enough to ask me for advice. I suggested that she consider doing two things immediately:

1) Talk with the school counselor to get a referral to someone who can work with the daughter on a regular basis, to help her see that she's making bad choices and that she must change her way of thinking to protect herself. Yes, I know, her hormones are raging, she wants to be popular, etc., etc. Yes, I know, her parents should be the people counseling her. But what would you do? Things are going from bad to worse. The father has always wanted to be a friend to his children instead of assuming a parental role that calls for really hard work in keeping children in line. To keep doing the same thing and hoping for a better result the next time is pure folly and possibly dangerous.

2) Threaten the daughter with taking on the boys. Tell her that you've tried what you can to get her to see how this is destructive behavior for herself and all she has done is to be manipulative and wait for the punishment to end so she can continue making her bad decisions. Tell her what my grandfather told me. He said if I decided to be with a boy who was a cur, who tried to mess with me, he wouldn't do anything to me. But he would take care of the boy, even to the point of killing him. I was so scared after hearing that, knowing full well that Grandpa would do exactly what he said, that I was very, very careful about who I chose to be around, let alone date. I tried to think about what was best for me -- and others -- as I made my decisions. Of course, there were the frogs, but none treated me badly or gave my grandfather a reason to carry out his threat.

Unfortunately, these days most fathers and grandfathers have fallen into the trap of thinking that they can talk with their children and eventually they'll come around to knowing what's best for themselves. There are those children, of course. However, my thinking is that most of them, like children have done forever, learn to lie to get their way, learn to maneuver their parents in all directions, and, perhaps worst of all, think they're invincible. Parents must be forever vigilant and do what's best for their children, always being aware that the children rarely know what's in their own best interest.

Any ideas? No corporal punishment suggestions for the girl, please. My opinion is that it's not a safe disciplinary method and ultimately it can cause more harm than you might think.

Cooking the Books

With the wide variation in climate over the Earth's long history (the Earth has warmed and cooled many times), cooler heads (ahem) should look at any specific claims about climate trends and their causes with healthy skepticism. Given the computer models used to predict warming, the United States should be unwilling to commit any significant resources based solely on those predictions. We simply don't know enough about climate mechanics to create credible models, and that is demonstrated by the inability of the models in use to "predict" observed behavior.

Given that the proposed actions to thwart the questionably predicted climate changes are expensive (and unlikely to be effective, even if we know where the climate is going), it makes no sense to take any action at this time. And if we do begin to find credible evidence that the climate will change in a predictable manner, we might then consider whether it makes more sense to attempt to change the climate dynamics or, instead, to adapt to the change.

There are degrees of scientific credibility that can be demonstrated through good practice with full public disclosure. Global warming alarmists haven't met that standard. In fact, they've demonstrated a disdain for good science, and we didnt need the leaked e-mails to prove it.

The consensus among global warming activists is that we must coercively reduce the production of greenhouse gases. The proposed actions will have little effect on the concentration of carbon dioxide, compared with natural causes and the emissions of developing nations. Think of all the strato-volcanoes throughout time that have erupted, throwing trillions of cubic tons of carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrogen chloride, carbon monoxide, metal chlorides, and ash into the atmosphere. The effect on climate from volcanoes over the past several billion years dwarfs the effects people wreak from burning fossil fuels. The global warming activists fail to make a prima facie case for applying their proposed remedies. Even if I accept all they say as fact, their conclusions don't logically follow.

Coercive proposals are floating through Congress (stalled, fortunately) as we speak, and many "evironmental" groups and a large percentage of the Democratic Party advocate coercive measures to limit greenhouse gas emissions. Al Gore traffics in deception and the duped call him a prophet.

Easy Cooking: Meatless Meatloaf

This is a recipe for you hard-core vegetarians, the type, who like myself, want to eat something that tastes like meat every now and then. I say hard-core also because those who like to dabble in vegetarianism or who are just starting to eliminate meat from their diet might not think this sort-of-meatloaf satisfies their meat-craving desires.

While the texture is different from what you call meatloaf, remember that each one of the real thing differs from the next. The meatloaf I made for many years, until I eliminated all meats, used ground chuck (when ground beef came from real cuts of meat and not a combination of who knows what). My mother used ground pork along with regular ground beef and my grandmother added sausage to hers. To season my meatloaf and bind it together, I used eggs, oats, chili sauce, onion, and other good stuff from my pantry and refrigerator. One time it was chopped bell pepper, another time capers, maybe leftover spaghetti sauce instead of chili sauce, and so forth.

This recipe, much different from my familiar, conventional meatloaf, is one I adapted from a Kellogg's version created for and by Seventh-Day Adventists. (John Harvey Kellogg was Adventist.) Amazingly, Special K cereal, chopped nuts, cottage cheese, eggs, and seasonings mix together to make a respectable facsimile of the old-fashioned favorite. There is one special product you should have for this and that is the chicken seasoning powder. I purchase it at ABC (Adventist Book Center). You don't have to be an Adventist to shop there. I'm not. If you don't have such a store near you, look for the seasoning in a natural food store or co-op. If you can't find any, onion soup mix will work.

By the way, the ABC stores stock some great ersatz meat products. My favorite is their dinner roast. And I'll be serving their smoked turkey roll next week for Thanksgiving along with gravy made from a mix they sell. Beyond that, I'll make stuffing as I always have (using water for the chicken broth), cook up fresh cranberries for sauce, mash potatoes, and bake pumpkin pies. It will be vegetarian -- not vegan -- and delicious, I assure you.

But for now, here's my meatless meatloaf recipe.

1 onion, chopped

3 tablespoons vegetable oil

5 eggs

5 cups Special K cereal

1 cup chopped walnuts

1 pint lowfat cottage cheese

3 tablespoons powdered fake chicken seasoning (I use McKay brand)

1/4 cup ketchup or chili sauce

Salt and pepper

Few drops Tabasco sauce

Saute onion in oil. Beat eggs lightly in large mixing bowl. Using a large wooden spoon, stir in the cereal, walnuts, cottage cheese, chicken seasoning, onion, ketchup, salt, pepper and Tabasco. Mix well.

Spoon out mixture into 9x5-inch loaf pan that has been sprayed with Pam. Press mixture into pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Remove from oven and place pan on cookie rack to cool for about 20 minutes. Turn meatloaf out to slice or slice it in pan. Makes about a dozen slices.

Note: If you don't have Special K, corn flakes make a good substitute.

Simple Gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be.

-- Simple Gifts (1848)

The ways we Americans can honor and support our troops are nearly beyond counting. Care packages, letters, military family support, gift certificates, books, DVDs, groceries, cell phones, clothes, rehabilitation programs, blood, scholarships, vocational training, videoconferencing facilities -- there are literally hundreds of ways to volunteer time and donate money, goods, and services to the military and their families.

The Military.com Web site provides a huge list of organizations that need everyone's help. You'd be surprised just how easy it is to give something -- even if you're low on cash or time.

Do you have an old cell phone you don't use anymore? There's an organization called Cell Phones for Soldiers that needs used cell phones. CPS pays for calling cards for the troops -- a great idea (www.cellphonesforsoldiers.com).

You can give blood at the American Red Cross Armed Forces (www.redcross.org/) or the Armed Services Blood Program (www.militaryblood.dod.mil/).

Give something. It's easy -- and it helps. Every little bit helps the people who spend months away from their families and friends stateside.

See www.military.com/benefits/resources/support-our-troops for an extensive list of volunteer organizations.

Old Hollywood and the Detection Tale

Which classic-age tales of detection would I have wanted filmed in the studio era?

1. The Four Tragedies of Memworth (Lord Ernest Hamilton). Chinamen and a multiple murder make for a rousing and convincing tale.

2. Murder Must Advertise (Sayers). The problem here would have been, How to film the migraine in Chapter 4, the funniest and most palpable migraine description in all literature?

3. An Oxford Tragedy (John Cecil Masterman). A German law professor solves the crime: a don shot dead.

4. Case of the Seven Whistlers (George Bellairs).

5. The Congo Venus (John Canaday). Women missionaries and a cover-up in an excellent story.

6. The Body in the Silo (aka Settled Out of Court) (Ronald Knox). The monkey could have been as big a star as Lassie.

7. The Nursing-Home Murder (Ngaio Marsh and Dr. Jellett). With the possible exception of Death in a White Tie, the best Marsh; the "nursing-home" is actually a hospital operating room.

Centralization in Los Angeles: A Taxing Lunacy

Los Angeles is raising its taxes -- again. This time, it's to "pay for" various infrastructure projects (scheduled for completion in 30 years) and to "create jobs." Create jobs? Liberals -- whom I will henceforth refer to by their correct name, statists -- will nickel and dime us all into soup lines, while forcing their collectivist philosophy onto us by creating more and more government agencies until the entire civilization closely approximates the experience of an afternoon at the DMV.

I say let all of us keep most of our money. Let the private sector create jobs. Let it create innovation. Let it create newer, safer, and more efficient technologies. And most of all, let it pay for its activities out of its own profits.

Want to see something scary? Follow this link:
http://www.usa.gov/Agencies/Federal/All_Agencies/index.shtml

I don't need an Agricultural Marketing Service -- who does?!

Look at what we're all paying for, decade after decade. There are hundreds of these nincompoop, do-nothing government bureaus. Statists want more and more of them. I look at this list and I scream inwardly, over and over. It's a nightmare that never ends, an eternal anxiety attack.

Office of Government Ethics?! http://www.usoge.gov

When the statists call their immoral and coercive actions "ethics," it is even more sophisticated satire than anything you can read in Swift, Pope, or Voltaire.

Finally, We're Talking About Death

No longer do funeral homes have a monopoly on selling caskets. Walmart now offers the highly decorated coffins in its stores. While you're browsing for books, bedding and beans you can cruise down a nearby aisle and pick out a casket which you or your loved one -- at some time in the future -- will lie in forever.

Being that Walmart is selling them (urns too) -- Costco also sells caskets on its website -- low prices mean you should have your choice of velour instead of velvet, polyester instead of silk, plastic instead of brass. Why shouldn't you be able to get a bargain in caskets and urns like you do in pills and pizza?

It may take awhile until people are totally comfortable talking about caskets, but it will happen. And none too soon. For far too long, like forever, people have shied away from discussing death, allowing directors of funeral homes to keep everything pretty much a secret. And they, in turn, have relied on grief to bring families around to paying exorbitant fees for everything from the plot to flowers to caskets. We can't choose anything about our birth, but we can choose a few things about our death. And seeing our final resting containers in familiar stores, at reasonable prices, should help make the talk of death less scary.

Tuesday: A Day In Infamy

Upstate New York's election Tuesday, Nov. 3, is a very important one. I am predicting that the Democrats had best reconsider their strategy if the conservative candidate wins that seat in the House.

The Republican has withdrawn from the race, endorsing the Democratic candidate this weekend. The reason for such a strange endorsement is no doubt because ultra-right-wing conservatives like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann have campaigned or endorsed the conservative over the Republican, who they consider to be too liberal. If your kids read Harry Potter, you're too liberal for that bunch.

My real prediction comes from a belief that if the conservative beats the Democrat, it will send a signal to Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and other hell-bent-for-leather conservatives that all Democrats are vulnerable and all they will need to do is send out armies of like thinkers and the elections will be won by their ilk. I think they're right.

Unless Obama abandons his idiotic plans to send more troops to Afghanistan, brings home a brigade a month from Iraq (his campaign promise), overturns Don't Ask, Don't Tell (a campaign promise), actually does anything he promised -- all before the elections a year from now -- the Democrats will lose their majorities in both the House and Senate.

This is serious stuff, liberals and progressives. Nothing can be taken for granted. And remember that the other side hates more than we do, an emotion that tends to make them stronger and more determined to win. Get off your lazy cappuccino drinking, sushi eating, hybrid driving butts and start now to counter what's only beginning on Tuesday. Or 2012 will be a cakewalk for the conservatives -- but maybe not the Republicans -- and Obama will be a one-term president.

Those are my predictions.

One more thing: What good is it to have a majority in the House and Senate when our so-called representatives act like a bunch of school children who are constantly mooning for the cameras? What a bunch of idiots. While I detested George W. Bush when he was president, at least he made up his mind and told the Congress to get him what he wanted. This bunch, from the president on down, look like wimps who can't decide how far to go on anything because they're so afraid of offending their big contributors. Where is the change?

Easy Cooking: Crab Cakes

One of the most expensive seafood dishes in restaurants is crab cakes. In appetizer or main-course size, you're lucky to find two crab cakes for under $10. They can easily be much higher and yet they are so simple to make at home. The recipe that follows is the one I've been using for years.

Lump crabmeat is expensive, but a cup and a half can make many crab cakes. Sweet Dungeness crab is what I like to use, but any kind will work. Best place I've found crabmeat is Phil's Fish Market in Moss Landing, Calif. Otherwise, look for it at your favorite fish counter. Always smell it before buying. If it's in a vacuum-packed container, ask the person behind the fish counter to open it for you and let you smell. No aroma at all is the best.

For the breadcrumbs, I use Panko, also referred to as Japanese breadcrumbs. However, any unseasoned breadcrumbs will do. I recommend using only real mayonnaise. Because the amount of fat and eggs is different in any jars except the real stuff, the crab cakes could fall apart as they're handled and the flavor won't be as wonderful as it can be.

1 1/2 cups dried breadcrumbs

2 large eggs, lightly beaten

1 1/2 pounds lump crabmeat, picked over for cartilage

1 bunch cilantro (leaves only), finely chopped

4 green onions, finely chopped (green tops too)

1/2 red bell pepper, seeded and finely diced

1 cup mayonnaise

Salt and pepper

Gently mix together all ingredients. Form the crabmeat mixture into patties, much the same size as hamburger patties. Heat your favorite oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat until hot, but not smoking. Cook the crab cakes on each side until they're browned. Turn them with a spatula and be careful that they don't fall apart. They will be very delicate. Drain crab cakes on a plate lined with a paper towel. Serve them immediately.

Makes about 15 crab cakes.

Note: The same recipe can be used to make salmon cakes, substituting canned wild salmon for the crabmeat. Reader John commented that he cooks up fresh salmon for his patties. Great suggestion, John.

The Tower of Babel

Texas newspapers report that Dallas police officers have written about 40 tickets to people for not speaking English. Presumably, these people were pulled over on the road. They were driving. Once the police chief learned about this, he dismissed all pending citations and reimbursed anyone who paid a fine.

"I was stunned that this would happen," the police chief said at a news conference.

There is no law requiring Dallas residents to speak English, but how do police officers perform their work (which often involves communicating with the public) if they can't be understood or can't themselves understand? When a police officer asks you a question (in the line of duty), you'd better answer him. It's essential that he be answered. It's impossible to expect our police -- government employees who keep law and order in our behalf -- to be able to communicate in any language other than English, our national tongue. The fact that thousands of police officers do indeed speak other languages and routinely use foreign languages for the benefit of citizenry and non-citizenry alike is only a bonus, a favor. Let's keep state business in English, or crucial decisions and split-second communication will degenerate into a Tower of Babel.


Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
- ¿Dónde estoy?

Sir, you were driving 10 miles over the speed limit in a school zone.
- Yo vivo con mi madre.

Miss, would you mind showing me your registration and driver's license?
- Toi se quay lai ngay.

I'm a police officer. Please keep your hands on the steering wheel, where I can see them.
- Lotfan yaddasht konid.

Ma'am, I notice your right tail light is out. You need to get that fixed.
- Je m'en fiche. Au revoir.

Pedophile Polanski Doesn't Deserve Compassion

Don't know what took me so long to hear about Whoopi Goldberg saying that Roman Polanski didn't "rape-rape" the 13-year-old girl many years ago. But now I've heard and I must say that Goldberg, as well as actresses Melissa Gilbert and Debra Winger, who agree with her, go against what's best for young girls, in effect showing disrespect for children.

Of course, I don't know why any of the women said what they did. But it's my guess that both of them like to think that guys like Polanski just make mistakes when they rape young girls. Maybe they like his movies. Frankly, I don't care what their reasons were. They're just plain wrong in condoning the actions of Polanski. He managed to get the charge of rape dismissed, but he admits to drugging and sodomizing the girl. Isn't that enough?

Wonder what each woman would be saying if the girl had been her daughter. She's someone's daughter, you know. Beyond that, anyone under the age of consent is innocent. No matter if a girl wears tight, short skirts and says yes, she cannot consent to sex of any kind. She isn't old enough to know what's best for herself. And in Polanski's case, I believe her and not him. She said he repeatedly raped her and his admitted sodomy shows a real sickness on his part beyond the violent action of rape. Any man who chooses to rape or sodomize someone deserves the strongest penalty possible because he has changed a life forever by his violence.

I get really disgusted when I hear people blame innocent children for actions taken against them. The recently discovered kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard is another example. I've read where some think she could have left, she could have done this or that during the 18 years she was kept captive. She is the victim, an innocent girl when she was kidnapped. Use your energy to try to get laws changed to put away the likes of Dugard's kidnapper and Roman Polanski. America's girls deserve nothing less.

Eyes on the Peace Prize

Surely one of those Chinese dissidents, who were also nominated, would have been more deserving than the political leader of the United States?

I don't know what they give the Nobel Peace Prize for, but why give a $1.4 million prize to a sitting president? Isn't that person, by definition, feted enough as it is?

It all sounds like Employee of the Month stuff. We've all worked for companies that rewarded the executive team more than the rank & file, and we've all rolled our eyes at it. A president who is attempting to negotiate treaties -- peace, trade, etc. -- with other countries is, after all, just a politician doing what he is already being paid to do.

Give the Peace Prize to people who are genuinely putting their careers and even their lives on the line, I say -- not to bureaucrats who concentrate on nothing so much as their own re-election.

NOW Slow To Condemn Letterman's Actions

Why did it take NOW, the organization that claims to be for women, almost a week to say anything about David Letterman's actions toward women? NOW should have come out blasting him the next day.

It seems the late-night host had been having affairs with subordinates for years -- all women, I assume. He was their boss, deciding if they would stay in their jobs and whether they received raises and bonuses. Which women do you think were promoted? How many talented women left because they didn't want such a man pawing all over them? How many were fired?

Of all things NOW has espoused over the years, have you ever heard them talking about the harm such affairs do in the workplace? Or how the greatest percentage of affairs must surely be a male boss and a female subordinate, with the female's job almost always on the line? Wouldn't you think NOW might be concerned about such entanglements? Never can it be a good idea for a boss and a person who reports to him to be involved in an office romance. I've written about this before on my blog.

NOW should be demanding that someone other than CBS investigate Letterman's actions. Is there any labor union at CBS or Letterman's company, Worldwide Pants? If so, where is it in this? Would it not be a good idea for NOW to work with the union in this matter?

It was difficult to watch Letterman confessing on his show last week, hearing the audience cheer and clap when he said he had sex with his staff over the years. Yes, the audience was there to expect jokes. But couldn't they have discerned the difference between a creepy, old guy talking about getting it on with women who worked for him and a tawdry joke? It seems that NOW thought it was all a joke too.

Run-Up To Firing Gardener Worse Than Act Itself

I don't know how they do it. I'm referring to people who have to fire others, whether they're employees or employed for various positions. If firing people were part of my job description, I'd rather be doing almost anything else to earn a living.

Last week I fired the man who ran the gardening service we hired four years ago. He's a nice man, as is his employee who actually mows and trims our yard. But he rarely came around to check on what needed to be done, and his guy would mow dirt if that's what was there instead of a green lawn.

Still, it was a tough few weeks leading up to the firing. I would lie in bed at night, thinking about what I would say, what he might say, how I would respond, on and on. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I thought I should tell him why. Then I decided what the heck. Just fire him and get on with life. That's what I did.

A part of me hoped he wouldn't answer when I called. Then I could say my few words to the voice mail and that would be that. But he answered. Quickly, I told him it would work out better for us if we switched to someone else. I thanked him for his service and wished him well. I didn't tell him that he left our yard looking like something I might have hacked at with a machete. I didn't tell him that he must have saved large amounts of money by not spending it on fertilizers and insecticides. I didn't tell him that we had to regularly spray large patches of weeds because he didn't.

There are those who would say that I should have told him what he did wrong so he doesn't repeat it with other customers. He knew what he was doing. I would list what needed to be done -- all ordinary jobs for a gardening service -- and I'd call him. Eventually, he would come do some of them, telling me later that he might have overlooked some things on my lists, citing reasons that rarely made sense. Maybe it's a game he plays, sort of like seeing how long it takes before a customer has had enough, doing what's expected at just the last moment so he won't be fired. This time he waited too long and pushed me too far.

Anyway, ever since I fired him I've been getting great sleep. No more lying there thinking about the conversations that would never be. The new gardener starts today. I have my fingers crossed.

Lunch at Aunt Hattie's, A Story Just Beginning

Flannery O'Connor is one of my favorite writers. When I decided to make an attempt at writing fiction, I let her style guide me. Not to say, of course, that my first fiction story at all resembles her wonderful prose. Rather, I tried to create colorful characters O'Connor might have wanted to feature in one of her books or tiny tales.

When I say I wrote a first fiction short story, actually it's the start of a fiction short story. I leave it to you to continue the story. Now is your chance to take the characters I've created and lead them in the direction you want.

Here is my story start. Please do give us your words to finish or continue this story. Have fun with it.

Lunch at Aunt Hattie's

Dressed in her Sunday best navy blue suit with white buttons, Janey Marie Newbrough lies in repose in the parlor of Aunt Hattie's funeral home. Her viewing isn't for another three hours, enough time for Aunt Hattie to make soup for lunch.

Aunt Hattie's white, traditional, two-story, clapboard home, on the corner of Benton and Carlisle streets in the Ozark mountain town of Calhoun, is not only her home but also the town's single remaining funeral home. Aunt Hattie, known by that name everywhere in town, stirs the vegetable soup in her cast iron pot, which is filled almost to overflowing. She uses only the freshest vegetables picked from her garden in the back, bordering the now-empty chicken coop. It's early autumn and the vegetable choices are limited, but she finds enough for the soup. And amazingly there are a few red tomatoes for sandwiches to round out the lunch menu, along with sweet iced tea and buttermilk pie.

"Doing OK there, Janey Marie," she asks, absent-mindedly turning toward the casket in the living room.

Running a funeral home full-time takes all the energy Aunt Hattie can muster. She isn't young anymore, 82 on her birthday last month. Her arthritis acts up daily, and her once-erect posture now more closely resembles someone looking at the new pair of shoes she just put on. The kids are grown and lead their own lives far away from the funeral home. Taking care of Calhoun's dearly departed grows more tiresome each day. Her husband Jess died years ago and she misses him greatly, not only for the work he did in their business, but also for the companionship and the caring he so generously displayed.

Today, Aunt Hattie wants everything to be first rate for her company. Never mind that Janey Marie's viewing will occur shortly and townspeople will be streaming through to pay their respects to a woman who was not only known to so many through community connections, she also taught most of them in the small schoolhouse just blocks away. No need for Aunt Hattie to be involved in the viewing other than to provide the location for it. That gives her the freedom to keep her mind on lunch.

Louise Kathlyn and Lynnie Renee, Aunt Hattie's cousins two times removed, soon will arrive from downstate. She wants to make them as comfortable as possible, knowing that Lynnie isn't the most relaxed person around the dead, especially when one is lying only a few feet away from the kitchen table.

Further, it doesn't help the atmosphere when Ellie Mahoney, clearly the oldest resident of Calhoun, is raking the leaves out back. Shrunken and stooped, she is clothed in a black ankle-length skirt and long-sleeved shirt, with her long braids peeking out beneath a tall bonnet. She looks more like someone from the end of the 19th century and perhaps more likely to be in a box in the parlor than moving about outside. Janey Marie in the parlor and Ellie out back do not exactly contribute to the surroundings Aunt Hattie had in mind for her family, who only visits every 10 years or so.

Lynnie walked in the front door. Without missing a beat, she blurted out, "How nice. A stiff in the parlor and a crone from the Taft era out back will really enhance our enjoyment of lunch, Hattie dear."

Easy Cooking: Pumpkin Nut Bread

Canned "pumpkin," one of the best convenience foods in grocery stores, languishes on shelves 10 months of the year. While it can be used anytime, cooks simply don't think about using it except around Halloween and Thanksgiving. Too bad. Pureed and ready to use in recipes calling for cooked pumpkin, it can be used to make pie, cake, muffins, cookies, pudding, and bread.

About the quote marks around the word pumpkin: Canned pumpkin is really canned squash in most brands. For many years, pureed winter squash (hubbard, banana and the like) has been pawned off as pumpkin in cans labeled solid-pack pumpkin. It makes good breads, etc., but be aware that it's not pumpkin, which is actually a gourd.

To be sure you're using pumpkin in your pumpkin nut bread, you can cook up your own pumpkin puree from a fresh one. It takes a bit of effort, but not a lot. Cut a small (not baby) or medium pumpkin in half vertically, and scoop out the seeds. (Save seeds to roast for snacks, if you want.) Place the two pumpkin halves, cut-side down, on a Pam-sprayed baking sheet. Bake at 450 degrees until you can easily pierce the pumpkin or until it collapses, usually 45 minutes to an hour. Scoop out the pumpkin flesh and place in a food processor or blender. Blend until smooth and use as you would canned pumpkin. Note: Don't use the mammoth cow pumpkins. The pulp is stringy and doesn't make good puree. And don't use the carved Halloween pumpkins. Once they're cut and allowed to sit around, they acquire bacteria on the cut surfaces.

To learn how to roast pumpkin seeds, go to allrecipes.com and type in roasted pumpkin seeds. Other cooks give their hints for getting the pulp off the seeds before roasting, a necessary preliminary step.

Now for the bread recipe. Back when I made food gifts for Christmas presents -- and when I drank coffee made with drip grind from a can -- I used the coffee cans for baking the bread. Now I use regular loaf pans, the nonstick kind. If you want to give the breads as gifts, consider too the mini-loaf pans.

2/3 cup canola oil

2 2/3 cups granulated sugar (honey or brown sugar may be used, but the bread will be a different texture)

4 eggs

1 can (about 1 pound) pumpkin (Libby's is most familiar brand and size may be 14 or 15 ounces)

2/3 cup water

3 1/3 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon ground cloves

2/3 cup chopped walnuts

2/3 cup golden raisins (dark kind OK)

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Have ready two Pam-sprayed 9x5-inch bread loaf pans.

Using a large wooden spoon, beat the oil with the sugar until mixture is creamy. Beat in the eggs, pumpkin and water. (If you use an electric mixer, keep it at low speed so the eggs won't be overbeaten.)

Stir the flour with the baking powder, baking soda, salt and spices. Stir into the pumpkin mixture. Stir in the nuts and raisins. Spoon the batter into the prepared pans and bake until a toothpick inserted in the center of the bread comes out clean, about 1 hour. Let the breads cool in pans on wire racks for 5 minutes, then turn out on racks to cool completely.

Each loaf makes 10 to 12 slices. Serve the bread plain, with cream cheese, or with lemon or lime curd. Watch this blog for a lime curd recipe soon. It's a great way to use more of Nellie & Joe's Key Lime Juice that you might have left from making the Key Lime Pie I included earlier on the blog.

Feeling Sick Isn't Fun Anymore

When I worked for a living, being able to take off a day because I had a headache or cramps made the day -- and whatever illness -- better. No getting dressed up. No commute. No dealing with editors. Just sitting (or lying) on the couch and reading a good mystery.

The first 20 or so years I was employed at the newspaper, a company nurse would come to the house of any employee who called in sick. The boss called the nurse who then drove to the employee's house where she said her job was to see if she could provide any assistance to the sick one. Sure it was. She carried nothing more than a thermometer and aspirins. Her job -- and we all knew it -- was to check up on us. Were we really at home? Were we really ill? How ill? Could we return to work the next day?

The company also employed a doctor. If we became ill at work, we were to go see him. He could diagnose, give us a few pills, and most of the time we could resume working. It was all about keeping the employees at work so the newspaper could be printed and delivered.

Eventually, the doctor and his office disappeared. The nurse remained for a time until she and the manager of the cafeteria were caught taking hams and turkeys, bought with company money, to their cars after work. A fitting end for the company nurse, who made her living primarily by ratting out her co-workers.

These days, I'm retired from that company. When I'm sick, there's nothing good about it. No calling a number, then settling back with the knowledge that I'm getting paid for doing nothing. No being happy that my co-workers had to work and I didn't. The past 10 days or so, I've been dealing with an illness that, for now, is undiagnosed. Why is that? For various reasons, I suppose. Mostly, it's because I don't want to enter the medical system. Without knowing what I have, there would be one test after another. Frankly, I just don't feel like dealing with all of it.

Meanwhile, I have some good mysteries at hand, iced tea ready to pour, plenty of OJ and soup, and ginger capsules when I feel a bit out of whack. What's missing is the elation I used to feel when I knew I didn't have to go into work. Retirement is great. However, there are things that it lacks, things that only those who enjoyed being sick on a work day can understand.

Take Two Aspirin and Call Me in the Up-and-Up

This "debate" about healthcare coverage gives me a headache.

Everyone on TV is talking in vagueries, in generalities, in meandering non sequiturs. People should talk about what they themselves want -- in straightforward, plain English.

I'd like to be able to buy my own insurance policy on the open market -- a policy that offers me roughly the same level of coverage that I get from my group plan at work, and for about the same price. Let's say my employer takes $200 out of my paycheck each month to pay my premiums for the group plan. I'd like to keep that $200 myself and use it to buy my own open-market plan, one that would travel with me as I move from job to job (voluntarily or involuntarily), so that I wouldn't have to turn down good jobs with minimal or no coverage and I wouldn't have to sign up for the expensive COBRA program if I'm laid off. Most important, I wouldn't have to worry about being denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition.

By their nature, of course, group plans are less expensive than individual plans. But I'd be willing to pay more by a third or even a half if it meant I would never again have to worry about losing coverage after a job loss or major illness. I also wouldn't have to worry about the no-benefits "enrollment period" most employers require after I get a new job.

What do you want from healthcare itself? I want hospitals, clinics, and physicians' offices to use Internet technologies -- like basic e-mail -- to administer patient records, including tests and procedure reports. It's a scandal -- it's pure idiocy -- that we patients have to contend with illegible photocopies of hard-copy documents which have to be hand-carried back to our GP or on to our next specialist. Why can't those hard copies be scanned and then attached to an e-mail to both the patient and his other doctors? This takes mere seconds. The amount of photocopying, snail-mailing, and hand-carrying that's required in this day and age is ridiculous. Physicians and clinics pay their front-office help to prepare all that -- which takes ten times as long and is ten times as prone to error as it would take to scan and attach electronically.

I also want competition. I want two, three, or four endoscopy centers (where an assembly line of patients is processed) to vie for my business when I need an endoscopy. I want to be able to call each of them to ask for the fee. Let physicians, outpatient clinics, and hospitals compete in pricing for my business. That's the only fair and reliable way to handle what is, after all, a business transaction.

The Long, Hot Summer of Craziness

Lots of silly things going on and being talked about these days: death panels, killing Grandma (Grandpa must already be dead), Socialist health care, the Birthers, bailouts, co-ops, government-run whatever, Cash for Clunkers, never-ending wars in the Middle East, Big Pharma. So many subjects, but it's the health insurance reform debacle -- don't call it health care reform -- that I'm ranting about today, at least in part.

1) Anyone who is now receiving Social Security and Medicare -- and who rails against a public option for health insurance for those under 65 -- should stop receiving such benefits. They should call the proper government office and cancel their benefits. For Social Security and Medicare Part B, it was necessary for those receiving them to apply for such benefits. No one forced them to take either. They're receiving money from a government-run system, health

insurance from a government-run system, both based on a Socialist system.

Social Security, in particular, was based on a similar program in Socialist Germany. Of course, I have no problem receiving either because I believe in such a system. But when you don't, then stop taking the money. Leave more for me. I trust government workers more than I trust insurance company CEOs to do what's best for Americans. Oh, and don't forget that veterans' health care is also based on a Socialist program.

2) The nutty people out there bitching and moaning about death panels and the like that are purportedly contained in current health insurance proposals haven't seen any of the proposals, any of the five that are still in committees in Congress. Neither have I, but at least I'm willing to wait to see what the final one says. Besides, do any of us really think our democratically elected officials would write a bill that would kill off the old people? Old people constitute the biggest voting bloc, all that really matters to politicians. By the way, kudos to Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts for taking on the loonies at his townhall meeting.

3) Then there's this lie that was printed in Investor's Business Daily: "People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless." Only problem is that Stephen Hawking is British, has been under the British health plan his entire lifetime, and he has credited that Socialist system with helping him get to this point. Maybe the conservative editors at the publication didn't know Hawking was born in England and has always lived there. Whether they did or not is not the point. What is the point is the lie that they wrote because of ideological reasons and the laziness they displayed by not checking even the most basic facts. I'm not fond of crazy right-wing ideology, but more importantly, I hate laziness and lying, particularly in people who profess to report the news.

4) Why do so many people who complain about wanting to help to cover everyone with insurance, especially having a public option in the process, throw the Second Amendment rights into the equation? Some of them even wear their guns to political events, going armed to public meetings about health insurance reform. I don't believe they're wearing loaded assault-style rifles and handguns because they care about health insurance reform. The only reason to carry a gun is to kill someone or defend themselves. Defend themselves from whom? I don't know about you but I don't want to go to a meeting where idiots getting riled up about this issue or that are standing around armed with guns. Besides, having a right to carry a gun in certain states does not mean it's wise to have a gun in proximity to the president or other elected officials.

5) What's the co-op that's being talked about now, something that seems to have cropped up as a replacement for public option? If I understand it right, it will be information to compare insurance rates, giving us a chance to choose the insurance plan we want. I could put together a web site with that information for no cost at all. Looks like bait and switch to me.

6) One of the southern Republican wing nuts in the House said everyone in America has medical insurance, adding that emergency rooms are there for everyone. I won't even address how crazy she is and how much of a liar she is. What I will say is that by federal law everyone must be accepted for treatment at an ER.

What some may not know is that everyone who goes into an ER receives a bill for services provided. Insurance pays when the patient has it. When the patient does not, he can request a reduction in cost to be able to pay the bill with personal funds. Beyond that, who do you think pays the bill?

The hospital absorbs those costs, including those from illegal aliens, and then passes on those costs to those of us who do have insurance or who pay our hospital bills through other means. Nothing is really free. And once again, the liars are at work doing what they can to keep their insurance and pharmaceutical buddies retain their jobs.

Away from health insurance reform, I want to yell STOP THE BAILOUTS! If Obama and his bunch had given each man, woman and child in America the same amount from the bailouts that started with Bush last fall, each would have received several thousand dollars. How far do you think that would have gone to stimulate the economy? Very far, I think. How far have the bank, insurance and Detroit bailouts gone to stimulate the economy? Not far at all. Don't expect an insurance bailout to do any better.

Next, about all of those southerners who fight everything but corporate welfare (they call it the free market). How did you think the folks of the Confederacy would react to having a black president in D.C.? Did you think Johnny Reb would stand back and say nothing? If you did, it means you've never lived in the south or haven't read about the south. I grew up where drinking fountains and restrooms at the county fair said Whites and Colored. Blacks couldn't eat in restaurants, didn't go to school with us, didn't live in our neighborhoods, couldn't vote, and had to sit in the back of the bus. There were even towns where they had to be out by sunset. In towns and cities where they were allowed after dark, they lived in their part of town, we lived in ours, and rarely did the two meet.

Eventually, federal civil rights laws forced school districts to allow blacks into white schools, businesses started allowing black customers to buy their products, the Voting Rights Act became law, and Whites and Colored signs disappeared. But the thinking never changed. The Civil War rolls on. Those who oppose Obama based on race (and if you think there are millions who don't you're living in la-la land) are looking for anything they can to discredit him. Not to say he hasn't and isn't making mistakes. But these southerners and their sympathizers don't care what he does. To them, it's just not right that a black guy is in their White House.

Finally -- at least for my ranting today -- I want President Obama to get some cajones, at least some bigger ones. He's acting like he's afraid of somebody or some thing. It also sounds like he's too busy entertaining his Chicago friends and traveling the globe to put the efforts necessary for bringing about major change in this country. He ran on change and hope and HE WON. The Republicans were fired. If Obama wasn't going to work hard and try to take us 180 degrees away from the Bush policies, which were so destructive, then I wish he had stayed in Chicago. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. And listen, President Obama -- I'm not alone. We liberals aren't sheep who will follow the leader no matter what he does, much like was done the past eight years. We can think.

The Charm of the Picture Book

It may be my imagination -- or my delusion -- but picture books for children (or intelligent adults) seem more often well-written, well-designed, and perfectly charming than today's fiction for grownups. I'd like to wave the flag for a few of my favorites. Head over to Border's, buy yourself a Starbuck's with a shot of vanilla, and plop yourself Indian-style on the floor in the children's book section for awhile. It's a real stress-buster.

Alternating between simple color schemes and yellow and white with black outlining, Madeline's Rescue, by Ludwig Bemelmans, creates juxtaposing moods of straight-laced order and ebullient chaos. Charming scenes of Parisian cobblestoned streets and busy markets, in which the young girls march behind their headmistress (Miss Clavel), in rank and file, contrast with much simpler ink lines in pictures depicting unrest or disorder: for example, a visually "messy" pillow fight and an anxiety-ridden Miss Clavel, who "for a second time that night turned on her light." Here the outline becomes shaky and rapid, and the black and yellow filler is applied boldly. Worth noting, too, is the use of linear perspective: greater size in the foreground receding to a single point. My own favorite scenes are the marvelous illustrations of Miss Clavel running along the hall, her body nearly parallel to the floor, and the stiff upper-lip of Lord Cucuface.

Arrow to the Sun, by Gerald McDermott, is a glorious evocation of the geometric shapes of Pueblo pottery, basketry, and weaving. The colors are southwestern: black, yellow, and shades of ocher, red, and orange, which are especially appropriate to this tale of "the Lord of the Sun." Figures and dwellings are represented with highly stylized and exotic patterns. A vivid surprise is the sudden use of fluorescent pink, blue, and green for the lord and his four chambers of ceremony and the Dance of Life. A beautiful book.

Marcia Brown, in Once a Mouse. . . , uses carved blocks of wood as stamps, dipped in auburn, red, and olive-green, and applied to the paper, sometimes superimposing one image upon another, to create vibrant scenes of jungle life. Her method gives the snakes in the grass and the twigs in the shrubs a transparency; we can see right through the snake and into the tiger's belly! Speaking of the tiger, it is a joyous rendering: The beast is given enormous personality in its frowning, grumpy face and the cat-like twist of its tail and haunches.

Lynd Ward's work in The Biggest Bear contains some of the most humorous depictions of animal naughtiness in any picture book. The famous succession of images in the middle of the story -- first, a small boy feeding an even smaller bear cub, followed by four scenes of mischief (but no bear!), and culminating in a huge fanged and clawed grizzly in the maple syrup -- is deservedly celebrated. Other classic images: the bear's grinning, not-too-bright face above those of the hogs, and the wooden rowboat holding the boy in one end and this enormous but well-behaved shaggy beast in the other, slowly sinking.

Maurice Sendak's Outside Over There is, I believe, the hugely popular illustrator's finest visual achievement, aside from his longer Nutcracker. These splendid water-and-pastel works of art resemble sixteenth century Mannerist painting (note the spectral cloak which Ida is wrapped in, like a figure in El Greco). Sendak's illustrations here are adapted in style to fit the tale, which, like Nutcracker, is filled with much of the weird, shadowy tone and style of the great German Romantic storyteller and critic, E. T. A. Hoffmann. Sendak's other idol, Mozart, is represented also; we see his bust atop the pianoforte in a little cottage on the banks of a brook. Ida's baby sister, who is being carried home from her odd adventure, gazes over her sister's shoulder at the smiling, august plaster head.

Our Favorite British TV Dramas

Call them dramas, these 10 series of love, intrigue, tragedy, and comedy. But at least a few of them are also a mix of travelogue, historical fiction and family dynamics.

Again, the list is alphabetical, not in order of my preference. If it were the latter, my favorite movie of all time, which falls into this category, would be at the top and not in eighth place. Yes, it's a TV series, the 1995 version of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle, pictured. To my way of thinking, this presentation is the best pairing of two actors -- ever.

While P&P is part of my list of 10, it deserves special recognition for its elegance, beauty, acting, and overall great entertainment. Some of the same attributes can be found in the other shows, as well. Check Netflix for descriptions of each.

• Ballykissangel
• Doc Martin
• Duchess of Duke Street
• Hamish Macbeth
• Jeeves & Wooster
• Mapp and Lucia
• Monarch of the Glen
• Pride & Prejudice (Colin Firth version)
• Rosemary & Thyme
• Upstairs, Downstairs

Abortion: All Liberals Don't Support It

Elections are won and lost when the subject of abortion becomes part of the campaigns. And these days it always does. This past week, abortion also entered the health care debate on Capitol Hill with congressmen saying that once abortions are free, even more women will get them. And one nutty Kansas representative even said that if abortions had been free in the 1960s, President Obama's mother might have chosen to abort him.

I believe abortion is today's Civil War issue. There's no middle ground. You're either for it or against it. As for my own view on abortion, it's my guess that many people might misjudge me, pigeonholing me on the wrong side. Because I'm a liberal, people assume I'm for a woman's right to choose. Because I'm a registered Democrat, I'm a supporter of abortion rights. Because I'm a woman, I think women should feel free to choose abortions. Because I'm not religious, I support abortions.

If you expect all of those to be true about my abortion views, you'd be wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong. I am 100% against abortion. My reasons are many:

1) I don't know how any woman can have an abortion after looking at an ultrasound of a weeks-old fetus moving around in her uterus.

2) I don't accept the "her own body" argument. Yes, the fetus is inside the woman, but she is the keeper, the carrier. She doesn't own that baby.

3) When a woman decides to kill a fetus -- baby, to my way of thinking -- she is making a decision for someone else, someone who has no voice.

4) I believe birth control, not abortion, is the ultimate right to choose. I also believe in birth control beforehand, not after the (f)act. Too many women use abortion as birth control. This is the 21st century, for god's sake! Birth control pills have been around for 50 years. Since that time, many other contraceptives have arrived on the market, obliterating unplanned pregnancies for women who use their heads when they're going to have sex with men. Or, at least, that's the way it should be.

5) Too many women go along with men's pleas to have sex without condoms and the women themselves either are too lazy or have decided not to use birth control because of the slight possibility of side effects. If you haven't learned to say NO, then at least take the damn pills or use whatever kind of contraceptive you want. A few side effects are minor compared with killing a human being. A woman who allows herself to become pregnant when it's something she doesn't want should understand that a baby might be conceived because of her decision. There are consequences and one should not be the life of an innocent baby.

With that said, I want to counter something that the Religious Right, pro-life crowd do -- or don't do. They fight abortions with all of their might. That's their choice and I support them on this one issue. At the same time, once the babies who aren't aborted are born, many of these same people do little to support such children. For example, the Right fights any increases in the Head Start program, and they vote against school lunch programs and welfare increases for poor children. There are even politicians who say hunger inspires children to work.

It's admirable to fight abortions, but you had better decide what to do with children who will be born if abortions once again become unlawful and difficult to obtain. (Remember the orphanages of the past?) There are consequences no matter which way you go. For me, a live, healthy baby trumps just about anything else. And I believe everything should be done to keep him that way once he's here.

Ignore Him, He's Funny Looking

One real deer relaxed for awhile in our garden.

Our Favorite British TV Comedies

Campy and crazy in the Dame Edna way or irreverent and sacrilegious like Father Ted, the funny shows from Britain beat out their American counterparts, at least for me, Cassandra.

I could describe each show in detail, however you can click on Netflix.com or phill.co.uk for brief overviews. Reasons for choosing my 10 favorites include what I think is superb acting, interesting story lines, beautiful locales (for some), and, yes, silliness. The characters must be ones I look forward to seeing week after week. And perhaps most of all, I must want to see the shows over and over. All too often I enjoy a comedy series when I first see it, but I never have a desire to see it again. For example, I thoroughly enjoyed The IT Crowd and its loony, over-the-top comedy, however once is enough.

Here is my list of those shows that satisfy my qualifiers, in alphabetical order, not by preference. Unfortunately, Sorry! is not available through Netflix at this time.

• Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin (photo above)
• Fawlty Towers
• Keeping Up Appearances
• Last of the Summer Wine
• Lovejoy
• One Foot in the Grave
• Sorry!
• To The Manor Born
• Vicar of Dibley
• Waiting for God

Easy Cooking: Key Lime Pie

Can't claim this recipe as my own. I've used the recipe from the bottle of Nellie & Joe's Key Lime Juice for years. An authentic Key Lime Pie is not green. It's yellow because the Key limes from Key West produce a yellow juice, unlike that from the more familiar green limes. Besides, any Key lime pie that's really green has had green food coloring added.

1 9-inch graham cracker pie crust

1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk

3 egg yolks (whites not used)

1/2 cup Key lime juice

1 cup whipping cream

1/4 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whisk together milk, egg yolks and lime juice until mixture is creamy. Pour it into the pie crust. Bake pie in a preheated 350-degree oven for 15 minutes. Remove pie from oven and allow to cool 10 minutes before placing it in the refrigerator.

When pie is chilled, whip the cream with sugar and vanilla until stiff peaks form. Spread over the filling or pile high around the edge. Serve the pie immediately or place it back in refrigerator to serve later. Cut the pie into 6 pieces and enjoy.

Note: I recommend Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk because it has the perfect taste and consistency for this pie. Don't use evaporated milk because it has no sugar and won't allow the filling to set up. Cool Whip can be substituted for the whipped cream, if you want, but there's nothing like the real thing for this special pie.

Depression: Out of the Darkness, Part 2

In my first post about the progress of my son recovering from major depressive disorder (MDD), I said I had a few ideas about therapies for such an illness. Now it's time to share my thoughts on the subject.

Physicians routinely prescribe pills and counseling sessions and the rest is left up to the person suffering 24 hours a day from the debilitating disease, as well as his caregiver or advocate, if he has one. Unfortunately, depression by its very nature cannot be cured by medications or counseling. And my ideas that follow are not in the area of cure at all. Instead, they're basic suggestions that I think can help during the lengthy, sad time when every move is so critical.

Be aware that I have never had depression. However, I have been the caregiver for my son during the time he endured and survived three long episodes over the past 22 years. I think that it's more important to have a caregiver/advocate for depression than most other illnesses or conditions. And I believe that I am best equipped to see what it might take to move therapies for MDD to the next level. I'm going to concentrate on three areas where I believe medical professionals could provide better resources and assistance.

1. Send patients home with a pamphlet that includes a variety of suggested therapies and information on how to deal with day-to-day stresses. A depressed person may not be in a frame of mind to read such a publication, but the caregiver will find it helpful. Too often, I had to make numerous calls to track down sources for various situations. The all-inclusive pamphlet could include the following recommendations, kept concise, yet complete.

• Physical and mental exercises. Assuming a person knows what to do to help themselves is unproductive and irresponsible.

• Recommended diet. Nutritionists who work with hospitals and physicians have such information (with basic recipes for nutritious meals) ready to go.

• Lists of publications about the disease, starting with Depression for Dummies. Shouldn't everyone know about something so basic? Maybe, but we're not talking about everybody. We're talking about a person with depression. The thought processes aren't the same as they might be for other people.

• Locations for mental health centers and low-cost clinics for those with no insurance.

• Information on where to apply for health benefits for those with no insurance.

• Approximate costs for medical appointments, drugs, counseling, emergency room visits, hospital stays, and other therapies.

• What to do if there's no improvement after a certain time.

Such pamphlets would not have to be printed out ahead, but rather tailored to each patient. It would take only minutes to print and to insert the pages into a two-pronged report folder. Depressed people need all the help they can get in terms of organization because their thought processes focus on things much more basic, such as living through another day.

I find it amazing that, in the 21st century, computers aren't better used to facilitate communications between patients and medical professionals. Rarely is there a follow-up, for example. Even brief emails from the physician or his staff is better than nothing. Computer literate people -- especially the young -- email, text and twitter for communication, whether social or business. It's time to use technology in the medical profession. Sharing files, preferably computerized, is another example. Recently my cat was treated at an emergency veterinarian clinic. I brought her home with far more information about her ailment and how to care for her than what my son received after he spent five days in the hospital with MDD. Plus, the information about my cat was sent to her regular veterinarian for him to use in her further treatment. Not one physician, clinic or hospital shared my son's files with another facility.

2. Give patients DVDs with information that might mirror some of what I suggested for pamphlets, expanded to take advantage of the format. DVDs are cheap to reproduce and a depressed person might watch a DVD when he couldn't read a book. Being unable to concentrate is one of the hallmarks of depression. The DVD should be in conversational English, full of interesting graphics (think Hollywood-style), whatever it might take to inspire someone to do something for themselves to promote recovery.

3. Establish mental health care coordinators in clinics and ERs to work with patients by answering questions and monitoring medications. Many depressed people go to ERs because they don't have anywhere else to turn, especially if they have no insurance. With a coordinator on staff, people might get the help they need to prevent an extended and costly hospital stay. A care coordinator also might help in creating the therapy tools I describe above.

4. Put yourself in the place of someone with depression, especially the MDD variety. How would you like to be treated when you're taken from your safe place, which is usually your home? Wouldn't it be better, for example, to be in a group counseling session where the room is painted a cheery color, the seats are comfortable and the welcome mat is out, than to have the more familiar sterile environment? Trash the "mental health clinic" sign out front. If the clinic is located at 824 Main St., call it the 824 Main St. Clinic. A clinic or office treating physical ailments doesn't hang out a shingle for a "physical health clinic." Words, appearances and attitudes mean a lot.

Treating depression is far different from, say, a broken leg. It shouldn't be handled in the same manner. By thinking differently and reconsidering the fundamentals of therapy, physicians and clinics might one day provide the care depressed people so urgently need and deserve.

Depression: Out of the Darkness

My son M has had three bouts of major depression, one at age 20, another at 25, and the last started when he was 40. In between each episode that lasted 4 months the first time, 6 months the second, and 18 months most recently, he was happy, healthy, fit, working full-time, enjoying life. Contrary to popular thinking about major depressive disorder (MDD), and how you must work on gradual improvement, almost in a matter of minutes he recovered and he has been able to pick up his life where it left off when he was hit.

The insidious disease struck one night in November 2007. Following right behind was its familiar sidekick, agoraphobia. Both disappeared 6 weeks ago. How and why we really don't know. That can and may be debated the rest of my life. The important part is that now he is out on his own, walking miles a day and swimming hours a day at the Y to get in shape to go back to work.

M stopped taking his anti-depressant (Fluoxetine, which is generic Prozac) immediately. (For more than a year he also took generic Paxil.) After another 2 weeks, he stopped taking his anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety drugs (Seroquel and Lorazapam, which is generic Ativan). For awhile after he stopped the heavy drugs, he took an over-the-counter sleep aid each night and an antihistamine for allergies. Two weeks ago, he stopped taking those, as well. He's completely drug-free after being on the life-altering medications for all that time. (I'll post more later about anti-depressants and their debilitating side effects.)

When M first came down with depression in 1987, he was hospitalized for 3 weeks (suicide prevention, no real therapeutic value). In 1992, another 3 weeks in a hospital (again to prevent suicide and nothing of substance for recovery). This time, 5 nights in the hospital at a cost of $10,000 with no medical insurance. (The hospital wrote off the cost because two nurses and a doctor had incorrectly told M the county would pick up the bill when he hadn't even applied for county benefits.) Following the hospital stay were appointments with physicians at a low-cost county clinic in our town, drugs, drugs and more drugs.

I've had plenty of time and opportunity to evaluate treatment of depression, whether it be from medical professionals, hospitals, clinics, or drugs. I believe such therapies fall into the infancy stage. Got depression? Take pills. Got agoraphobia? Take pills. Threatening suicide? Take pills. Stronger and stronger pills. I believe it's going to take a full study, not funded by drug companies, to come to terms with the best therapy for those with depression. I have my own ideas on such therapy and will share those at a later time.

For now, I'm just relieved that my son is still alive and is doing what he thinks he should to continue with his life in the best way possible. I told him, and I absolutely believe this, that he's the strongest person I've ever known or even read about. To live through something so horrible and now be able to go to stores, walk around town, swim, eat well, and enjoy everyday things, is beyond anything he and I could have hoped for during those darkest of days, about 550 of them.

Get Well Soon, Clive

Easy Cooking: Roasting Snow Peas

Steaming and stir-frying are the most familiar ways to cook snow peas. But I find roasting them brings out a wonderful sweetness that you don't get from the first two methods.

After rinsing them with cold water, grab and pull out the tough string that runs along the side of each pod. If you find the super-delicate pods, without the string, at farmers markets (or from your friend's garden like I do), all the better.

Spread a layer of snow peas on a nonstick baking sheet. (It's OK if they touch each other.) Drizzle olive oil over and sprinkle with salt. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes. They won't be crunchy, however they need this amount of heat and time to create the caramelization that I like.

I serve them with no further embellishments although you could sprinkle on lemon juice, if you want.

Fresh Ideas for Sacramento Bee Corner

Latest plan by McClatchy Co. to make money -- publishing newspapers doesn't seem to work these days -- is to sell the employee parking garage at the Sacramento Bee. According to publisher Cheryl Dell, the sale is "part of our ongoing review of all company assets in response to the challenging economy."

I have three ideas about how McClatchy can help its bottom line at 21st and Q Streets in Sacramento:

1. Restore the Buffalo Brewery. Actually, not a new idea. Conservatives long have wished for this in response to the Bee's so-called liberal editorials. The beermaker occupied the site and some of the existing Bee building for years prior to McClatchy buying it and bringing in the presses. People may not be buying newspapers, but they're still buying beer.

2. Start a brothel. The guards could remain to direct customers. Second-floor executive offices and the newsroom could house the top earners -- just like before. Editor Melanie Sill describes herself as "an advocate of fresh thinking on fundamental ideas" -- natch.

Sills also said, "We do need thinking in our newsrooms and organizations that is inherently entrepreneurial -- i.e., who's our audience, what are we doing for them, how do we provide value." Who would be the audience for the brothel? Politicians (Sacramento is a government town, after all), talk-show hosts, former newspaper editors, transients. What would they be doing for their audience? Obvious. The value? Average at best.

With this entrepreneurial effort, at least Bee employees will leave their careers and the building knowing where former top management will be spending the rest of their working days.

3. Tear down the building and put up a parking lot. Like the brothel, rates would be by the hour.

If you've got better ideas, send them to 21st and Q, Sacramento, California.

Ten Things I Won't Do In My Lifetime

1. Climb to the top of Mt. Whitney
2. Eat blowfish (torafugu)
3. Skydive
4. Read Ulysses by Joyce
5. Swim the English Channel
6. Study ancient Greek
7. Drive through the Khyber Pass
8. Travel to Beijing
9. Bungee-jump
10. Sing at the Met

Rollin' On The River

A shot of the jetty in Moss Landing, California, near Monterey. Clifton took this on one of our many vacations in that area.

Cats and Their Dizzy Disease

Just like every day for the past eight years, our sweet little cat, Charlene, was eating and sleeping well, playing with her toys, looking at her birds out all the windows in our home, enjoying life. Then, in a matter of a minute or so one night last week, she couldn't stand, her head tilted, her eyes couldn't focus, she vomited, she cried out, and she became limp. We had seen all the same symptoms in other cats we had, but at the end of their lives after long illnesses.

We called our vet's office in a panic. It was 10 p.m. and we expected to get an answering machine. Amazingly, a real person answered, said she would call a vet, and 5 minutes later one called. She said to bring her in, to the 24-hour, 7-day-a-week veterinarian clinic in our town. After a battery of blood tests, x-rays and medical exams, plus the knowledge that she was an indoor-only cat with no access to toxins, the emergency and critical care veterinarian diagnosed Feline Vestibular Syndrome or Idiopathic Vestibular Disease.

She described it as the peripheral vestibular system, which is a part of the control center for a cat's balance and located deep within the inner ear, getting out of kilter, all of a sudden and for no apparent reason. It causes a cat to become disoriented, nauseated and trying hard to find the horizon with its eyes that are going back and forth. Dizzy Kitty is a common term for the disease.

Charlene stayed in the clinic for two nights, a drip IV inserted in one of her front legs to administer fluids and Meclizine, a Dramamine-like drug, which countered the seasick feeling she was experiencing. We were told her other symptoms would mostly go away in 2 to 3 days without other treatment.

She remains a bit wobbly, but she's eating and drinking almost like normal. She's still on Meclizine, 1/4 tablet each night for awhile. Her typical escapades of running through the house and playing furiously with her toys will have to wait until she feels better. Complete recovery takes 2 to 3 weeks and the disease typically doesn't return. Anesthesia has been known to trigger another flare-up, but it's not common.

The internal medicine veterinary specialist said he could not say 100% certain that she has the disease instead of something far worse. However, because she has responded to food, walks almost as good as before, focuses her eyes, and holds her head up straight, he has pretty much ruled out a brain tumor, which could display the same symptoms.

I wanted to post about what happened with our little Charlene so other cat people could become aware of this crazy disease. If your cat exhibits similar symptoms, maybe you won't be as scared as we were. Still, only your vet can tell you what is really wrong and immediate treatment is advised.

For more information: http://www.cathealth.com/vestibular.htm

Jane Austen and Zombies

Clive, were you involved any way in mixing zombies with my beloved Jane Austen for the book, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? I just heard about this book, but it's been on the Amazon best-seller list for awhile. Seth Grahame-Smith gets credit as the author, however I see your zombie-loving fingerprints all over it.

My favorite book of all time, Pride and Prejudice, has been plagiarized, then expanded by many writers over the years to include kids the Darcys had in later years, relatives they acquired, and livings bestowed upon subsequent generations. And now we have zombies roaming the idyllic English countryside with Elizabeth Bennet slaying them with as much moxie as she used to get her Mr. Darcy. While it might seem kind of exciting for some readers to enjoy the action as zombies maneuver English life and customs, I recoil at the horror of anyone messing with my delightful characters.

Supposedly, the book is about 85 percent Pride and Prejudice with 15 percent reworked to bring in the zombies. An example of the prose:

"He lumbered toward Elizabeth at an impressive pace, and when he was but an arm's length from her, she plunged the dagger into his chest and pulled it skyward."

Not my Elizabeth! She would be picking flowers, tying ribbons to broad-brimmed hats or trying to defend her outspoken family against idle chatter in the village. Not a zombie hunter is she. Rather, she would turn to Mr. Darcy, her knight on a white horse, to take care of the drooling, limb-shedding zombies. I have no doubt he would make quick work of them and off he would go to scoop up Elizabeth in his arms. If anyone is going to pair zombies with my Pride and Prejudice, at least get the story right.